Rustic Contemporary House :)

Bono

"Fear is the opposite of faith."

"If I could put it simply, I would say that I believe there's a force of love and logic in the world, a force of love and logic behind the universe. And I believe in the poetic genius of a creator who would choose to express such unfathomable power as a child born in straw poverty."

Her Backyard

In her backyard, there is a flowering cacti, a green dinosaur, and fish in the trees.

"You have a beautiful garden." I tell her, because it is, but not in the common sense of the word.  Yes, there are lush bushes and beautiful flowers and dainty paths twisting in circles, but it is not carefully manicured or organized, as a garden of mine would be.  The plants and colors are not organized in any clear way, and there seems to be no limit to the whimsical items scattered throughout the landscape.  The fence is lined with a wide variety of unique artwork, in the center of the garden is a lime green wood skeleton of a dinosaur, and there are fish hanging from the trees.

Glass to wicker, blue to white, there are fish of every different size, material, and color hung randomly on the branches.  Wiley, the autistic boy I am babysitting, swings one back and forth.  The average elderly woman would tell him to be careful, not to break it.  This one couldn't care less.  She is teaching Felix, Wiley's younger brother, to command her enormous dog.  Concerned about the dog's size in comparison to the boy, I also order him to sit.  "No, let him do it.  He needs to learn." she tells me.

The only reason we were there in the first place was because she came over, ringing the doorbell while I was unsuccessfully trying to get Wiley to practice piano before leaving for a birthday party.  Felix and I opened the door for her and her large tawny brown dog, and she gestured to two birds' nests sitting on top of the milk box.  The boys' mother had wondered where they came from before she left in the morning: she asked me, but I would not have brought two birds' nests over just for the fun of it.  I probably would not have even noticed them.

"I found these in my backyard." she said, describing what the birds had made them from.  "And Wiley, you haven't seen the flower on the cactus yet, have you?"

So skeptically I walked with the boys over to the neighbors house, hoping that a bit of fresh air might make Wiley more likely to do his piano practice.  I did not expect the peculiarly stunning scene that I found.  We were brought over to see the flower, a gigantic fuzzy purple flower growing from the cactus.  "No one has seen anything like it before." she tells us.  "Have you googled it?" I ask her, and she gives me a funny look, saying, "Well I guess you could do that, couldn't you?"

The garden and everything in it is whimsical, exciting, but above all, fun.  I tell her so, and she says, as if it's the most obvious truth, "Life is fun."  Suddenly, I stop stressing about Wiley doing his piano practice, or the three of us getting back to their house in time.  If I was old and had a garden, maybe, just maybe, I think there could be fish on the trees.

           

Random Reflections

It's amazing how slowly time passes when riding a bike.

The Latin verb "spiro" means to breathe.  Maybe being inSPIRed is just as central to life as breathing, or in fact breathes soemthing new into life.

Why is it that the more I have to do, the harder it is to do it?

In society, everyone values someone who's sarcastic and always has something funny or witty to say, and if you're not naturally funny, you're thought to have little personality.

C.S. Lewis once said, "Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours."

Not a Stranger

I wouldn't say I'm idealistic.  I wouldn't even call myself an optimist.  However, I have always been secure in my conviction that life has meaning and coherency.  While there are aspects of existence that humans can never expect to understand, there is so much beauty in the world that I find it impossible to believe it came about by chance.  For this reason, when I read Albert Camus' decidedly nihilistic The Stranger the second semester of my junior year, I was disturbed and unsettled:  the novel essentially culminates in the protagonist's realization that life is meaningless. About to be executed, he thinks: "As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.  Finding it so much like myself -- so like a brother, really -- I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again" (122-123).  

The protagonist Meursault's contentment in the supposed purposelessness of the universe contrasted sharply with everything I'd been taught or believed.  How could anyone be happy in the absence of hope and meaning?  In my opinion, one cannot just give up faith and live a live centered around the idea that the world is indifferent.  Without hope or meaning, life would mean nothing, and who would want to live that kind of life?  A life without seeing the value in the small things; beauty and nature,  love and friendship, success and failure, excitement and tranquility, patterns, colors, joy, and disappointment; would be worthless.

This book of faithlessness did not weaken my faith.  Although I can't say Camus was wrong, that his exploration of the unanswerable question "Does life have meaning?" was entirely invalid, I make the deliberate choice to believe.  Where before I had simply assumed that I was alive for a reason, that I was destined for more than an empty life made meaningless by death, I began to look at my existence in a different light.  Yes, it's impossible to know beyond doubt that there is a God who cares, a higher power who crafted the universe and still knows my name, but if I have to make the choice between a faith I can't be sure of or a life without faith, I choose faith.

"No Restrictions"

Why is it that our society is so obsessed with independence?  Kids my age- who are making decisions about college- are encouraged to follow their hearts, do what's best for only theirselves, and not let any other factors get in the way. 

Is this representative of real life?  Does it make sense to be encouraged to not let anything restrict you, with a result of being in limbo after college because you don't have anything to tie you down?  Isn't the whole point of education and college to prepare you for life, not for some dream world where the best thing to do is always whatever suits you best?

When I tell anyone, even my parents, that I want to go to college near my boyfriend, I'm reprimanded.  I shouldn't let any other factors get in the way of my decision.  From society's point of view, it's almost unacceptable to be in a commited relationship at the age of 17.  Early adulthood is about "finding" yourself, which you can't do if you're tied down.

David Brooks, a New York Times journalist, said that "life isn't about finding yourself, it's about losing yourself."  This statement, which is so controversial to popular belief, really rings true for me.  If you focus only on yourself, cutting off all "restrictions", you don't really get anywhere.  However, if you let go of this self-centeredness and put yourself into caring for others, you might just (as C.S. Lewis might say) get "finding" yourself thrown in.

A Life of Love

It's amazing the way God puts people into your life for a reason.

At the beginning of this school year (after reading the book 'Do Hard Things') I decided to sign up for multiple volunteer activities, both involving working individually with children.  The first, primarily made up of volunteers old enough to have grandkids, paired me up with a 2nd grade Hispanic girl who at first seemed shy and sweet but has frustrated me a huge amount.  Right now, I'm having trouble thinking about her without crying.  It's funny how people begin volunteering for these things, I myself don't even know why- maybe to feel like you're making a difference? when what really happens is that you're impacted even more than they are. There was a point when I considered not continuing the program next year because I felt like I wasn't making a difference, that Karina (the girl I work with) couldn't care less about me, that I had no idea what to do (completely true). 

But what happens is that once you give up, once you're sure you can't do it on your own, God comes in and does more incredible things than you could ever imagine.  Giving up is a hard thing to do.  It involves laying down your pride and admitting to yourself, which is maybe the hardest part, that you're not meant to do things on your own.  The amazing thing is that God knows Karina so intimately, that he created her stubborn, defiant, secretly goofy personality and her hair that she dyed partially purple and her love for pink.  And he knows me just as intimately, and decided, "Hey, what would happen if I put Emily and Karina into each others lives?" and has something great planned for both of us that I still have no clue about.

And then there's Wiley.  My friend paired me with him for the Reading Pals program at the library, saying that he was sweet, mildly autistic, and in 3rd grade- older than most children in the program.  In fact, while other teenagers sat with their adorable little buddies who sat quietly and read along with them, I'm in the other room with Wiley leaning up against me, reading quickly and making it hard for me to understand what he's saying, let alone try to help him read.  But then when his mom asked me to babysit, saying that he had become endeared to me, I was honored, and one day when he wanted to leave early because he was frustrated with reading and with me, I felt miserable.  It's funny how you don't realize how much you care about people until they leave. 

As a result of these experiences, I'm considering being a speech therapist for children in elementary schools after college- because once I gave up my need for security and control and let God take over, I learned a lot about myself and the roles that he has for me.  Isn't it amazing to think how through each person in your life, even if they annoy you or stress you out to the point of giving up, God has great things in store?  Because every person, including the homeless man you see on the street or the old overweight woman or the twelve year old girl in the miniskirt, God knows equally and intimately- he knows every thought in their mind; their favorite color, their future college major, their greatest fear.  So our job is to "be imitators of God" and "live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us." (Ephesians 5:2)

Thought of the Day

Sometimes life is so beautiful you just need to share it with someone else.  If there is someone who comes to mind in every moment of beauty, THAT is love.

The Best Movie Ever Made

Transformations

I realized today that all my favorite TV shows- basically "What Not to Wear" and anything on HGTV- have a lot in common.  In each of these shows, a really big transformation takes place.  In "What Not to Wear", my favorite part is when the woman gets her hair and makeup done, and she looks amazing despite how bad she looked before she was on the show.  But in fact, if she had looked fine before, the show wouldn't be so addicting.  And the shows that I like on HGTV are all room transformations: a really skilled designer takes a room lacking in style and throughout the episode, it becomes better and better until voila! it's all put together and even though we saw part of the process, it's such a great surprise.  So "What Not to Wear" and an HGTV room design show actually have almost the same structure: something that doesn't look that great is taken, through a long and difficult process, to a stunning level that was impossible to anticipate.

What is it about transformations that is so addicting?  Change is one thing, but transformation is a woman who looks almost completely different, or a room become unrecognizable.  I think people are both drawn to and afraid of transformations.  We don't want to lose who we are, and it's so hard to imagine what this kind of change could result in that we tend to stop somewhere in the middle.  Watching transformations can be fun and exciting. And while we want the excitement that would come from such a change, we're afraid of giving up control because that's what a  transformation is: in order for it to really work, we need to lose ourselves a little bit because we have no idea how spectacular the big picture really is.

The Story of Jonah

This video is adorable!
http://vimeo.com/16404771

Quote of the Day

Sometimes people are beautiful.
Not in looks.
Not in what they say.
Just in what they are.

-I Am The Messenger, Marcus Zusak

All I Want Is You: U2 Music Video

Lyrics Medley

All the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you  (All I Want Is You U2)

Yeah I went with nothing
Nothing but the thought of you
I went wandering

I went out there
In search of experience
To taste and to touch
And to feel as much
As a man can
Before he repents   (The Wanderer Johnny Cash)

Those creatures jumped the barricades
And have headed for the sea (Belong R.E.M.)

A generation without name
Ripped and torn
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain   (Like A Song U2)

Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around  (Roll Away Your Stone)

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free

Be more like the one you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be  (Sigh No More Mumford & Sons)

You make beautiful things,

You make beautiful things out of us.   (Beautiful Things Gungor)

Random Thoughts

First, again about vulnerability/ relationships, a quote from a really really good book, I Am The Messenger by Markus Zusak (author of The Book Thief):

"I want to talk to him.
I want to ask him about that girl and if he loved her and still misses her.
Nothing, however, exits my mouth.  How well do we really let ourselves know each other?"

Just an interesting thought.

And in this music video of "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons, read the highest rated comment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y. hahaha

Vulnerability

This Sunday, the sermon in church was about vulnerability.  Actually, the whole series this month involves people coming forward and discussing their personal issues: becoming vulnerable, stripping your problems away and laying them out in the open allows the entire church community to grow closer and more like the church God intended.

In relationships, sometimes we think that all that we need to do to be a good friend is to be there for the other person.  While this selflessness is probably the most essential part of friendship, it's one sided.  I know a lot of people who are good at reaching out but come across as "fake nice" because they don't allow others to reach out to them: they form this perfect persona on the outside and refuse to let anyone get close, especially the ones they reach out to.  As awful as it may seem, it's easy to be kind and outgoing to people that seem "below you" because it doesn't require forming a meaningful relationship; there's no risk involved.

I often start the new year by planning to be practically perfect: I resolve to do everything right, be completely organized, get all As in school, etc.  But obviously perfection is impossible.  It's not our job to plan everything we'll do better because we'll always end up disappointed.  Instead, be open to embarrasing yourself.  Putting yourself out on a limb to reach out to someone even if it doesn't come naturally.  It's not about self image or self improvement, it's about making a difference and doing things that are hard.  Because if you only do what you are comfortable with or skilled at, there will be no growth.  But this kind of lifestyle requires vulnerability: being able to set aside the identity you tried to create for yourself, whatever pride or need for control you may have, in order to become the person God wants you to be.

No More Facebook

So I gave up Facebook as a New Years Resolution, and it's going to be really tough... It had gotten to the point where the first thing I did whenever I got home was get on Facebook, which is a bad sign.  I don't even know why I was so addicted to it, because all I really did was look through my home page and Facebook stalk random people.  But part of the reason I made this blog is as a sort of substitute for Facebook.  The main difference, though, is that nobody reads this.  Which is good and bad, depending on how you look at it.

But I was looking up Bono on the Internet and found out that his real name is Paul Hewson- it popped my U2 bubble a little bit.  I proceeded with my mom to do more stalking of Paul (!) and his family... he has 2 daughters and 2 sons.  So here is what my Facebook status would have been:

Bono has a son named Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q... WHAT??!